Monday, December 28, 2009


Sooo tonight I thought long and hard about shutting down the blog... Why you ask? Well, because I'm really putting myself out there in revealing my inner workings; and more importantly,I dont think anybody reads this shit. Because of these things, I've realized that the only way the blog can sustain itself is to become a living, breathing thing. The blog must not be a reflection of whats going on in my head, but its gotta be a vehicle for the people closest to me to tell the world a little bit about themselves. Lets make this thing an open forum, a place where we can debate, argue, and call out whomever and whatever for all the world to see. The blog can be an online mediator of sorts where readers will be able to take sides interactively on age old or new age arguments that take place in every living room or beer pong room around the country. So lets get involved people and take this thing to another level. And if this doesn't take off, well I already have one finger on the "Delete All" button.

Cue the rocky theme song!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Back From The Holidays

I apologize for being away for so long (as if any of you care), and I will use the holiday season as my excuse for my laziness. Not much has happened over the past couple of days... oh yeah there was that whole Christmas thing. Lots of people I work with and other friends of mine ask me what I do on Christmas and I always respond with the same thing...wait to my parents leave the house and then look at porn. That of course is a joke, I don't need them to leave the house. On a serious note(its obvious that I haven't gotten any more mature during the past week or so) Christmas for Jews really sucks. Its not that we feel left out with all the gift giving and holiday cheer, its just the fact that not a god damn thing is open on Christmas Day. In fact, the whole world shuts down and you realize at that moment how the non-celebrators are truly in the minority. But since you guys asked, Ill tell you what i did

- Woke up around 12 and I brushed my teeth
- Ate some breakfast
- Found a day pass for the JCC and used it to shoot some hoops
- Played guitar....still shitty
- Went on Facebook 112 times
- Spent the rest of my night eating as there really was nothing else to do
- Slept

So, there ya go, that's how I spent my Christmas, and every second of it sucked. All of you who are reading this owe me one day of life. I will accept payments in the form of money or gift certificates to the Short Hills Mall.

Now that Christmas is over with, our attention is now squarely focused on New Years. This holiday ranks up there with Valentines Day as the biggest man made crock of shit. Everyone gets wasted, kisses a stranger, calls their parents, and gets a hangover. At the end of the day, absolutely nothing has changed other than the fact that its a year later and you will be post dating your checks not because you are a scum bag, but because you can honestly no longer remember what year we are in. I apologize for my cynicism toward the holiday season, and I plan on fixing this problem by making a new years resolution to become more positive!!! TSGOT will follow this story up with pre and post new years coverage, so stay tuned people


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Just Call Me Roger Ebert Rubin

Before I start this post i just wanna let you all know that the Jizz in my Pants video is hysterical.... onward!

Soooooo I saww the blindside...Annnnddd it sucked. That's right, the much hyped, much applauded "Blind Side" would have been much more enjoyable if in fact I was blind. The movie is about Michael Oher, the Left Tackle for the Baltimore Ravens, who overcame lots of adversity to become not only an NFL player, but a college graduate more importantly.
In my honest opinion the movie should have been called... "How Fuckin Hot is Sandra Bullock When She Dresses Up Like White Trash!" Yep that's right, Sandra Bullock is the only thing in the movie worth seeing. I hope another uneducated, mistreated, obese youth comes along to overcome insurmountable odds if it meant Sandra Bullock could play his or her surrogate mother. If this movie is in fact in the works, then let me purchase my tickets now and sit outside a Loew's theater like a Star Wars junky before opening night.
My advice to you, wait until the dvd comes out, and whatever ya do, don't make a date night out of it. Instead, go see something that guarantees to please, such as "Avatar"...or "Space Balls" if in fact you make it a Blockbuster night.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Price of Good "H"

I'm not sure if its a Jewish thing (I don't think it is), but when I was growing up I never went to a barber. In fact, when I thought of what a barber would look like, it resembled Eddie Murphy In "Coming to America." As a youth, my hair was always taken care of at Salons, where gay men and beautiful women parading around in trendy clothes replaced black guys with clippers in their hands ready to shape-up and cut anything that sits in the chair for 8 dollars. Please don't mistake what I'm saying as me being above anybody else, because that's not the point I'm trying to make(even though that is true as well). Point being, it wasn't until I started paying for my own haircuts that I recognized the difference in what spending a little money on your "H" can do for not only your head, but for your soul as well.

Take for instance this 20 dollar cut I got the other day in Livingston. The place had the look of an upgraded barber shop, with hot towels, straight edge shaves, and all the accoutrement to boot. But as I sat in the chair and made small talk with my new friend who has traveled all over the United States cutting hair, i realized his techniques were not what i needed. He asked what I wanted, and what I got was something that resembled the leftover hair on top of a "Troll Doll's" head after my 11 year old brother and I got after it with a pair of scissors. After he singed my face with a hot towel, tightened me up with a straight blade, and gobbed enough hair gel on me to make what happened look presentable, I paid and walked out. The hair cut was a complete failure...In fact, not one mirror I have checked has made the hay trimmings on top of my head look even remotely decent.

I knew at that moment that what I wanted was only 2 blocks up the street, and a mere 20 dollars more. Instead of holding out and getting what I knew was right, I settled for the bells and whistles of a head rub, and now I'm paying the ultimate price.... Bad "H." For the next few weeks, I'm going to stare in the mirror even more intently, begging for the shit on top my head to grow back as quickly as possible. I promised my hair that I would never let it down again, and that this would be the last time I took the cheap/easy way out. I've written several poems to my hair and have even played the guitar for it, begging it for forgiveness. The last time i checked (about 2.5 minutes ago), I was still in that awful "too short" phase, that will hopefully lead to the bliss of that one week where the hair blossoms into the perfect length, and the vision of what i told "Rodney" what I wanted will come to life...

Until that day comes... don't call or write

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

On Second Thought....

Euro Night was an absolute........ SUCCESS!!!! I changed my mind this afternoon after seeing the pictures posted on facebook (I have zero recollection of taking any of these photos), and let me tell you, we all look absolutely incredible. In fact, I would challenge anyone out there to find a better looking crew that roamed the streets of Hoboken a few short weeks ago. The new found success of Euro night has my gears-a-grinding as the thought of upcoming theme nights dance inside my mind. With that said, i apologize for the first post about the cancellation of Euro Night 2010, and now we here at TSGOT will be promoting the event more than ever. Stay Tuned

P.S. What the hell is Durkin doing in this picture...its fucking awesome!

Oy Vey!

Have you ever had one of those moments where something absolutely insane/stupid/embarrassing (whichever) you did years go randomly pops up into your mind? As I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast this afternoon, I remember something that I did in 7th grade that was so insanely stupid, it made me cringe when it resurfaced in my mind 14 years later. So without further ado...

I'm walkin through the halls of Roosevelt Middle School with my buddy Jerry (my old man called him Caligula), on our way to English class, taught by this fat teacher whose name has escaped me for some reason (subconsciously i've buried those years as deeply as possible). Before we walk into the class, i notice that ole boy isn't present. So, with a class full of twelve year old onlookers, I thought to myself "Wouldn't it be a great idea to run and dive across the teachers desk?!?" I remember my brains specifically telling me at that moment that this would be the greatest idea of all time. Without hesitation, I backed up as far as I could and sprinted toward this poor guys desk and dove head first, sending every piece of paper/material/matter off his desk, showering the entire room. When I landed on the ground I realized that this was probably the dumbest thing I had done in my life up to this point. I scrambled to my feet, and with the help of Caligula, gathered as much shit back on top of the desk as we could and made it as neat as possible. Believe it or not, ole boy never noticed that his lesson plans, and his other life's work, had been completely shit on by some ass-head 12 year old with undiagnosed attention issues. I never got in trouble for what I did, and I always wonder what the punishment would have been not only from the school, but more importantly from my father. The moral of the story... don't eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Call me Lee "The Situation/The Bidness" Rubin

That's right you fist pumping will call me by my new name or I'll be forced to break a Puma off in your ass!

Echem, on a serious note, tonight was the premier of the most anticipated show since the "Dallas" reunion... MTV's "Jersey Shorrree" Yeahhhhhh!!! This show couldn't have happened at a more perfect time as it coincides perfectly with our JERSEY SHORE NIGHT at Tommy's place... Yeahhhhhhh!!! You heard me people, Tommy's parents are out of town and we are throwing a fist pumping themed fiesta at his crib December 12th, located in the Guido Mecca of East Hanover. I've already had my fathers gold mezuzah melted down into an Italian horn for the festivities. TSGOT will keep ya posted on whats gonna be a fistastic good time.

A couple of notes: Tommy sorta knows about this (I'll clue him in later), I'm dead serious with this idea, and read this if you don't know what a mezuzah is... here ya go

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Roy, Where Art Thou??

While Sports might seem like too generic a topic to discuss, I feel as if light should be shed upon the people we idolize...I'm not talking about their adulterous actions or other shinanigans they venture in off the field, I'm talking about what these people do on the field of play which makes them so captivating. Earlier today, Roy Jones Jr., the once most famous boxer in all the land, got his teeth pushed in by an unknown Australian journeyman by the name of Danny Green. It took Green only 1 round to destroy the former world champ (named Fighter of the 90's by Ring Magazine), and the loss will hopefully end the career of a man who is no longer the fighter I remember. Clearly you all are about to hit the X button on your browser to attend to much more important things, but before you go, please let me explain why this event had an impact on my day.

What is incredible about sports is how the avid fan can watch his favorite players grow up and mature in front of their eyes. While Roy's early days are a few years before my time, I remember his "hey day" vividly. My father was a boxing fan so I became one as well, and some of my earliest memories of boxing were Roy Jones dismantling opponents on HBO Boxing After Dark. Jones had a swag that is stuff of legend, often whooping opponents without even taking a punch. He was something of a modern day Muhammad Ali, with his quickness and movement unparalleled at all different weight classes. I became a fan of Roy and followed him over the years, always paying close attention to the way he dominated the canvas.

In 2003 that all changed however, as Antonio Tarver caught Roy Jones with a left hook he never saw. The punch floored Jones and truly marked the beginning of the end for one of boxing's greatest fighters. After the loss to Tarver, Jones won a rematch by decision (watched a Fitz's house) but he was never the same guy(Lost the 3rd). Ironically enough, even though Jones never regained his once dominant form, my fandome increased exponentially. I watched fight after fight always hoping for a glimpse of what used to be, and while there were times my prayers we're answered, all too often the result ended in Jones sprawled out on the canvas floor unaware of where he was (The 2004 Glen Johnson defeat being the worst). It was clear that Jones had lost his edge, and opponents were no longer scared of the man who once called himself the greatest fighter who ever lived. While his skills had diminished, his gift for gab remained the same.... and with a couple of defeats over unheralded challengers, it seemed as if Jones was in line for one more big money fight against "The Executioner" Bernard Hopkins. Jones, who had defeated Hopkins as an amateur years before, had once again peaked the interest of fans around the world, and the Hopkins fight would have been the perfect stage to show off his once unmatched talent. That fight will never happen, however, as the warm up fight for Hopkins against the once retired Danny Green proved to be a disastrous one... a fight that will inevitbly end the career of a once proud champion. In his post fight interview Green summed it up perfectly..."He's one of the greatest fighters of all time and the opportunity to fight him in Australia, thanks, Roy Jones Jr... I almost feel bad doing that (whoop Jones), that almost hurt me to do that to someone whom I aspire to look up to as a professional fighter inside and outside the ring. He's a bloody legend."

Jones' loss had a profound impact on my day as well, as it is always heartbreaking to watch someone you idolized as a kid fall so far from grace. We always ask ourselves what would have happened if a guy like Barry Sanders never quit? and I can tell you the answer... Emmett Smith. While there is often big bucks and even more endorsement money to be had at the end of a great career, I often wonder if they would give it all back to be as dominant as they once were??? I have a feeling that a guy like Roy Jones Jr. would give back the Ten Million Dollar purse he made for the one round against Danny Greene if it meant that his pride and legacy remained in tact. As sad as it may seem, Roy Jones Jr. fans around the world hope he takes the money and run, because we now know that the magic has come and gone.

Please Watch Videos Below

"Roy The Bad"

"Roy The Great"

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Ha, yeah... did ya check if our Shitters were full honey?

A Note From Fitzy Kid

While getting tanked with a bunch of his Irish buddies at a Bachelor Party, Fitzy had an ephiphany... and these are his words

The 5 Stages

I attended a Bachelor Party this weekend for one of my best friends from college. What ensued really made me think. I cannot describe to you in full detail what happened that night for two reasons. Number one, I am bound by the laws of man to never go into full detail of what happens at a bachelor party. Number two, I honestly don’t remember what happened most of the night. I think the way you judge whether a bachelor party was successful or not is by the severity of your hangover the next day. In this particular case it must have been a huge triumph because here I am 2 days later still not feeling normal. I remember waking up in a hotel room filled with guys who smelled like booze. There was a bloody t-shirt on the floor and a friend of mine was passed out in the bed next to me sporting a black eye. The groom was face down on the floor, fully clothed, with no pillow or blanket. I remember being shocked that I didn’t have a headache but realized that it’s only because I’m still a little drunk. It’s probably hard to believe but that is the exact moment that I realized that I was growing up. I knew I was growing up because I had completed the 5 stages. And that’s what I want to talk about. The 5 stages you go through as a guy when you find out that one of your best friends is getting married. As I thought about it more I realized that the stages are exactly the same as the 5 stages of grief you go through after someone dies. I mean that’s what a bachelor party is, isn’t it? It’s a funeral for your “single friend.” You celebrate his life as a single man right before he takes the plunge, because after he’s married your friendship will invariably change forever. So in order to cope you go through the 5 stages of Grief.

Stage 1: Denial

This is occurs right after your friend tells you that he’s getting married. The first response is usually “Get the F*ck outta here! Really?” You tell your friend congratulations and you tell yourself nothing is going to change. I can throw a party on a random weekend and my friend will be there, he wouldn’t miss it. Oh, you have your fiancĂ©’s nephew’s 3rd birthday party and you can’t go? It’s been on your calendar for 2 months? She would be furious if you blew it off? Her family is all expecting you to be there? No worries, you’ll be at the next one, I mean you only turn 3 once, right?

Stage 2: Anger

As time goes on you start to realize that every time you want to hang out with your friend it needs to be scheduled. The days of “What are you doing tonight?” are over. Welcome to the days of “What are you doing on December 17th?” You need to plan things weeks in advance, and that pisses you off. How the f*ck should I know what I’m doing December 17th, I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for lunch today.

Stage 3: Bargaining

At this point you start making deals with your friend in order to get him to hang out. You don’t have to come out for the entire night, just come to happy hour. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. I’ll buy the first round, and I’ll drive you home. I’m well aware that after I get my friend to the bar, I will play the I’m too drunk to drive you home card, but deep down I know he’ll never show up.

Stage 4: Depression

You no longer have the energy for anger, and you’re not wasting your precious cell phone minutes on bargaining. You turn into a lazy friend. If he wants to hang out with me he can call me. When you reminisce with your friends and his name comes up you all get a little quiet like “wow, remember that guy?” You don’t make fun of him for not being around, you’re just sad that he’s not there.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This stage usually happens when you’re at the bachelor party (single friend funeral). You are having the time of your life; you actually get excited about the wedding. Should be fun! You remember what it was like hanging out with your single friend (dodging punches from drunk scumbags at the bar, avoiding projectile vomit like Neo evades speeding bullets) and you not only accept that those days are over, you are actually a little relieved. You know that the bond you have with your friend will never go away no matter what, you’re just growing up a bit.

So here I am a month away from the wedding, hoping that my hangover is gone by then, realizing that growing up is nothing like I thought it would be.

This message has been TSGOT approved, and I couldnt believe it either, but there really is an "Irish Drinking Songs" CD... fantastic