Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Note From Fitzy Kid

While getting tanked with a bunch of his Irish buddies at a Bachelor Party, Fitzy had an ephiphany... and these are his words

The 5 Stages

I attended a Bachelor Party this weekend for one of my best friends from college. What ensued really made me think. I cannot describe to you in full detail what happened that night for two reasons. Number one, I am bound by the laws of man to never go into full detail of what happens at a bachelor party. Number two, I honestly don’t remember what happened most of the night. I think the way you judge whether a bachelor party was successful or not is by the severity of your hangover the next day. In this particular case it must have been a huge triumph because here I am 2 days later still not feeling normal. I remember waking up in a hotel room filled with guys who smelled like booze. There was a bloody t-shirt on the floor and a friend of mine was passed out in the bed next to me sporting a black eye. The groom was face down on the floor, fully clothed, with no pillow or blanket. I remember being shocked that I didn’t have a headache but realized that it’s only because I’m still a little drunk. It’s probably hard to believe but that is the exact moment that I realized that I was growing up. I knew I was growing up because I had completed the 5 stages. And that’s what I want to talk about. The 5 stages you go through as a guy when you find out that one of your best friends is getting married. As I thought about it more I realized that the stages are exactly the same as the 5 stages of grief you go through after someone dies. I mean that’s what a bachelor party is, isn’t it? It’s a funeral for your “single friend.” You celebrate his life as a single man right before he takes the plunge, because after he’s married your friendship will invariably change forever. So in order to cope you go through the 5 stages of Grief.

Stage 1: Denial

This is occurs right after your friend tells you that he’s getting married. The first response is usually “Get the F*ck outta here! Really?” You tell your friend congratulations and you tell yourself nothing is going to change. I can throw a party on a random weekend and my friend will be there, he wouldn’t miss it. Oh, you have your fiancĂ©’s nephew’s 3rd birthday party and you can’t go? It’s been on your calendar for 2 months? She would be furious if you blew it off? Her family is all expecting you to be there? No worries, you’ll be at the next one, I mean you only turn 3 once, right?

Stage 2: Anger

As time goes on you start to realize that every time you want to hang out with your friend it needs to be scheduled. The days of “What are you doing tonight?” are over. Welcome to the days of “What are you doing on December 17th?” You need to plan things weeks in advance, and that pisses you off. How the f*ck should I know what I’m doing December 17th, I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for lunch today.

Stage 3: Bargaining

At this point you start making deals with your friend in order to get him to hang out. You don’t have to come out for the entire night, just come to happy hour. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. I’ll buy the first round, and I’ll drive you home. I’m well aware that after I get my friend to the bar, I will play the I’m too drunk to drive you home card, but deep down I know he’ll never show up.

Stage 4: Depression

You no longer have the energy for anger, and you’re not wasting your precious cell phone minutes on bargaining. You turn into a lazy friend. If he wants to hang out with me he can call me. When you reminisce with your friends and his name comes up you all get a little quiet like “wow, remember that guy?” You don’t make fun of him for not being around, you’re just sad that he’s not there.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This stage usually happens when you’re at the bachelor party (single friend funeral). You are having the time of your life; you actually get excited about the wedding. Should be fun! You remember what it was like hanging out with your single friend (dodging punches from drunk scumbags at the bar, avoiding projectile vomit like Neo evades speeding bullets) and you not only accept that those days are over, you are actually a little relieved. You know that the bond you have with your friend will never go away no matter what, you’re just growing up a bit.

So here I am a month away from the wedding, hoping that my hangover is gone by then, realizing that growing up is nothing like I thought it would be.

This message has been TSGOT approved, and I couldnt believe it either, but there really is an "Irish Drinking Songs" CD... fantastic

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